Nathan Hilb, Print Detective

Marketing Humor, Print Media, Traditional Media — By jwilliamson on December 16, 2011 8:12 pm

My name is Hilb. Nathan Hilb. Some call me a private eye, a gumshoe, an agent, a private investigator, a flatfoot.

I call myself a print detective.

Oh, yes, there are plenty of crimes committed every day in the world of commercial printing. I can’t solve everybody’s problem. But maybe I can help you. Let me tell you a story.

As I headed into my office last Thursday, I saw a woman sitting in the office foyer. She was obviously distraught, nervous, jumpy, looking like she had an appointment with a loan shark and was a few grand short.

My secretary Cookie was waiting anxiously for me.

“Who’s the damsel in distress?”

“Her name is Loretta Plank, and she’s got a big problem with a print job. She wants to talk to you about it.”

I opened the door to the foyer. “Come on in, Toots. What seems to be the problem?”

“Oh, Mister Hilb. I spent a lot of money on this flyer. It was for a fund-raising effort for our Junior League.”

“Junior League? Those are the high-class dames, am I right? The right neighborhoods, the country clubs, la bella vita, the upper crust, the blue bloods. Tell me if I’m getting warm.”

“Well, we do happen to live in some of the better neighborhoods. I suppose you’re right.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“We got such a terrible response with this flyer. I just don’t know whether someone came along right after and picked them all up and threw them away.”

“Oh, you suspect a flyer-fleecer, do you? Someone who gets his jollies picking up mail or commercial communications intended for others? Is that what you think?”

“That was my first thought. But then I wondered, was there something wrong with the flyer itself?”

“Let me eyeball a sample.”

As soon as I saw the misbegotten missive, I had a pretty good idea as to what was wrong. But I’m the objective type. I keep my opinions to myself until I can get some evidence to back up my suspicions. Nathan Hilb, Private Eye, doesn’t just fly off at the mouth. I remained stone-faced.

“Mrs. Plank, I’d like to do a little footwork, a little backtracking, a little retracing of your footsteps. It won’t take me long. Why don’t you come back Tuesday and we’ll talk about your flyer and where things went wrong.”

I spent some time in Mrs. Plank’s neighborhood. I walked some sidewalks, knocked on some doors, asked a few questions. If the lady of the house wasn’t home, I talked to the butler. If the butler wasn’t on duty, I talked to the gardener. The housekeeper. The personal chef. The tennis coach. The kid’s diving instructor, the French teacher. The Pilates instructor. The sound system engineer. Anybody who happened to be around. Ears to the ground. I got some opinions alright. By Monday, I had heard enough.

Tuesday, Loretta Plank was back in the office. She was sweating it.

“This may not be easy but I’m going to give it to you straight. Everyone in the high-rent subdivisions got your flyer. These are educated folks, Mrs. Plank. These people are choosy, discriminating, hard to please, quick to criticize. Half these women are art history majors. They saw your flyer, alright, but they didn’t like what they saw. They weren’t buying your cookies.”

“Well, what was wrong?”

“Maybe somewhere along the way you missed the ABCs of flyer design. Appeal, Balance and Color.”

“The ABCs…?”

“I’ll give it you without the varnish. First of all: appeal. Does the design of your wording and message call out to your reader and draw her toward your ideas?

“Balance. Are your words and images in the proper proportion?

“Color: does your color scheme enhance the overall design?”

Loretta Blank was silent. “The discount printer I dealt with didn’t discuss those matters with me.”

“Maybe you should be avoiding those cut rate printers on the other side of the tracks. Maybe you should be talking to Conquest Graphics. They’re not just a color copier and a PayPal account. They’ve got experienced professionals on hand who can work up a design that will impress even those blue noses you’re trying to reach. With the right flyer, I guarantee you can squeeze them all for a dime or two.”

I watched Loretta Plank leave. She stopped on the sidewalk and looked up Conquest Graphics on her cell phone. They’re on the internet. In a big way. For the first time, I saw her smile. Even high class dames like her can take a wrong turn now and then, but I think I pointed her in the right direction. I’m Nathan Hilb, print detective. That’s what I do.

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Tags: business, commercial communications, commercial printing, internet, mail, private eye